(SCENE: An ASTROLOGER'S office. Seated in front of the Astrologer is DONALD TRUMP.)
ASTROLOGER: Now that we've spent the first 55 minutes of this consultation looking at your First House... how you present yourself to the world... we should cover some important upcoming events. There are some really interesting transits coming up here for you. The Uranus-Pluto square is really doing a number on your natal Mercury and Neptune --
TRUMP: I think it's fair to say that's the most spectacular transit anyone has ever experienced, ever!
ASTROLOGER: It's certainly significant, sure, but there have been lots of bad transits that people have survived, or even thrived through. And going through difficult times can be very hard on the ego and self-esteem. I suspect that in your case --
TRUMP: It's going to be fantastic. Just you wait and see! I've had a lot of brilliant ideas over the years, admittedly, but some of the stuff coming up in the next few months... just you wait and see!
ASTROLOGER: Actually, with Uranus passing through your 8th, opposite your natal 2nd House Neptune, and Pluto conjunct your Mercury (which is the ruler of your 2nd House) you might just be kidding yourself about that. That's a lot of strain on your finances, and --
TRUMP: Everyone knows I could lose a fortune and still have several fortunes!
ASTROLOGER: Um, yes, but in all fairness, you've never really revealed your net worth, and many people question whether you're really that much of a billionaire -- but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say here is that the warnings one receives from astrology have to be accepted by and filtered through The Ego. Now I understand the need to present yourself as financially, um, "bigger" than you are, but --
TRUMP: You'd have to be a total nut job to believe I'm not a multi-billionaire!
ASTROLOGER: There are those who have said that it's largely just bluster and PR on your part.
TRUMP: That's patent nonsense!
ASTROLOGER: Despite your several bankruptcies? I'm just saying that, according to your birth chart, there's evidence here that you've made your mark on public life largely through, um...
TRUMP: My inherent genius!
ASTROLOGER: Actually, the word I was looking for was "bluster." Mars right on the ascendant in Leo, the only aspect it takes is from Leo's ruler, The Sun in the 10th House and the Moon...
TRUMP: That, my friend, is what we call "charisma" and it's a vital part of who I am and how I do business.
ASTROLOGER: I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying that if you look at the economy, your heavy investment in a relatively flat real estate market, the lowered ratings on "Celebrity Apprentice"...
TRUMP: Still the most entertaining show on television!
ASTROLOGER: ...and then look at the effects the Uranus-Pluto square will have on your money situation in the next two years, it would be wise to take some precautions.
TRUMP: Precautions are for cowards!