Hilary’s blog shared eleven clues for how to know if your crush is married, but I am not blogging off about that. It was actually the comments section below the blog that got me going.
The first comment reads, “Unfortunately, it seems there are a lot of unscrupulous women who don’t think it is wrong to pursue a married man and may even find him MORE attractive, thinking the challenge is fun. All I can say is, karma can be a bitch.”
All I can say to that comment is, “True dat. True dat.”
Hilary then responds, “Some women feel the need to validate themselves by ‘enticing’ other women's men. Rarely works out any better for her than it does for the wife (or girlfriend)."
With this statement, I also agree, and it was that “need to be validated” part that struck a chord with me.
I sympathize with a woman who needs to be validated. As a Life Coach, it is not something I encourage, but it is something I understand. It would be great if we all loved ourselves so much that we didn’t rely on others’ opinions of us in order to feel good about ourselves, but the reality is, that’s not always happening.
A basic reason why a person wouldn’t love oneself and would require external validation is if one or both of the person’s parents didn’t love him or her as a child - or if they did love the child and they didn’t express it appropriately.
Many parents struggle with love – with loving each other, with loving their children without conditions, with loving their children at all – and it leads to a great number of children who grow up deeply wounded, uncertain that they even are, and unclear as to what to do about it anyway. That’s sad and common.
Of course, as we’ve all heard, parents who struggle with love had parents who struggled with love, and they are raising children who continue to struggle with love and on it goes.
This kind of situation can lead to a person who searches for validation, attention and love outside of oneself, because it can be easier than figuring out how to find it on the inside, how to truly love oneself.
Still it begs the question, why would people need to validate themselves with a married person? Couldn’t they just validate themselves with someone who’s single?
One reason could be the aforementioned “unscrupulousness,” I’m sure, and another could be the aforementioned “challenge,” or the thrill of doing something naughty. Some people just love to be bad.
Now throw back to childhood. Think about what happens to the bad kid. He or she generally gets attention for doing something wrong, right? Naughty behavior in childhood begets attention and it can, in fact, be an outcry for it.
What I’m saying here is that, at a deep level, wounded inner children can feel such a need for love and attention that they will do anything to get it, and that the wounded inner child can, in fact, be healed through self love.
What I’m not saying here is that relationships aren’t complex. They are as complex as the two people that are in them, so the inner child piece can be just one of the complicating factors. But it is an important one.
Healing the wounded inner child takes work, but it can be a lot easier than extricating oneself from a messy love affair, and the rewards are exceptionally far-reaching.
If you would like to learn more about inner child work, check out my e-book at conversationswithlinda.com.
To read my blog and submit questions for my free advice column, visit my website at http://soulestialservices.com/.
Oct 4, 2012 12:56 AM
Oct 4, 2012 10:26 AM
Oct 5, 2012 6:32 PM