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Why Do People Cheat? (3)

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2012 | Sep 28

By Kim Patron

Oh, Hilary gives me such fodder.  Last week she wrote a blog called, How Can I Tell If He Is Married? and, once again, I feel called to blog-off.

Hilary’s blog shared eleven clues for how to know if your crush is married, but I am not blogging off about that.  It was actually the comments section below the blog that got me going.

The first comment reads, “Unfortunately, it seems there are a lot of unscrupulous women who don’t think it is wrong to pursue a married man and may even find him MORE attractive, thinking the challenge is fun.  All I can say is, karma can be a bitch.”

All I can say to that comment is, “True dat.  True dat.”

Hilary then responds, “Some women feel the need to validate themselves by ‘enticing’ other women's men.  Rarely works out any better for her than it does for the wife (or girlfriend)."

With this statement, I also agree, and it was that “need to be validated” part that struck a chord with me. 

I sympathize with a woman who needs to be validated.  As a Life Coach, it is not something I encourage, but it is something I understand.  It would be great if we all loved ourselves so much that we didn’t rely on others’ opinions of us in order to feel good about ourselves, but the reality is, that’s not always happening.

A basic reason why a person wouldn’t love oneself and would require external validation is if one or both of the person’s parents didn’t love him or her as a child - or if they did love the child and they didn’t express it appropriately. 

Many parents struggle with love – with loving each other, with loving their children without conditions, with loving their children at all – and it leads to a great number of children who grow up deeply wounded, uncertain that they even are, and unclear as to what to do about it anyway.  That’s sad and common.

Of course, as we’ve all heard, parents who struggle with love had parents who struggled with love, and they are raising children who continue to struggle with love and on it goes.

This kind of situation can lead to a person who searches for validation, attention and love outside of oneself, because it can be easier than figuring out how to find it on the inside, how to truly love oneself.

Still it begs the question, why would people need to validate themselves with a married person?  Couldn’t they just validate themselves with someone who’s single?

One reason could be the aforementioned “unscrupulousness,” I’m sure, and another could be the aforementioned “challenge,” or the thrill of doing something naughty.  Some people just love to be bad.

Now throw back to childhood.  Think about what happens to the bad kid.  He or she generally gets attention for doing something wrong, right?  Naughty behavior in childhood begets attention and it can, in fact, be an outcry for it.

What I’m saying here is that, at a deep level, wounded inner children can feel such a need for love and attention that they will do anything to get it, and that the wounded inner child can, in fact, be healed through self love.

What I’m not saying here is that relationships aren’t complex.  They are as complex as the two people that are in them, so the inner child piece can be just one of the complicating factors.  But it is an important one.

Healing the wounded inner child takes work, but it can be a lot easier than extricating oneself from a messy love affair, and the rewards are exceptionally far-reaching.

If you would like to learn more about inner child work, check out my e-book at conversationswithlinda.com.

To read my blog and submit questions for my free advice column, visit my website at http://soulestialservices.com/.

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Discuss this entry: (3)

Comments

1. Mira87 says:

   As an entertainer at a gentlmens club I agree with this 100%. I've worked at different clubs with many different women and most of them I've observed are looking for loads of validation. How do I know? I used to feel and work that way when I started a few years back. Wearing makeup to look the most mature, sometimes wearing the loudest dress that blinds you with sparkles to get the most attention. Married poor and rich men come in every night. It made me feel important, wanted, special. Now I just think they are loosers. They are totally lost and looking for validation themselves. It's just too many games and lots of psychology to learn. But most importantly big money to be made so that's what I focus on. Just being a professional fantasy tease. But I really like how Kim broke it down there is always psychology to be learned behind behavior. That's why dating is so hard. And people become good at hiding. Honesty is really the best thing.

   Oct 4, 2012 12:56 AM

2. Mystic says:

   Oh so much to say on this subject if therewere time and space. First, I agree with Kim, Hilary and Mira. I too was once confused about deserving my own love and the importance of it, but strangely I was never confused about the boundaries of cheating, self respect and respecting my fellow humans, be it messed up or healthy men or women.
   I am not saying it has always been easy and this is why, which also adds another complex component to relationships: I am back to being untempted by married men, but for 8 years in the recent past I was very tempted, though never gave in I am happy to be able to say. You see, in my experience the only men that have ever shown interest for more than a short time are married. Single men seem to disappear quickly to the next female who will throw herself on him with fake attention just so she can get a man, any man. I am still waiting for a man that cares about me and sticks around long enough to know me and let me know him. Married men have pursued me for many years and always have. They will study me and get to know me. It is not the kind of person I want that attention from; a man intent on cheating and using my weaknesses to take me with him. I often wonder why so few women seem to be able to see this truth. I believe they choose to close their eyes.
   
   Why is this the experience I have had for my entire life? This is where the other complex element comes into play. I believe it is, for lack of more sophisticated terminology, hereditary family curse; similar to what Kim said about one generation teaching the next and the next and so on. I feel it is much deeper than teaching and learned by observation. I believe there is a spiritual component which is hereditary that attracts the same to you as the generation before.
   
   I also believe there is a chemical component; something very biological, which must work something like pheramones. My mind and will are and have been strong enough to override the wrong, but something in my heredity, whether in spirit or biologically, still attracts and only attracts the wrong and unacceptable types. My brain knows and sees. My energy, biology, or spiritual heredity is something I haven't learned to change. It is truly a curse in every way.

   Oct 4, 2012 10:26 AM

3. bellasuerte says:

   I think that in fact these types of married men are a type of predator who looks for vulnerabilities. So that it is not you personally that attracts the type, predators are just doing what they do, if you're out there your paths will cross because they are aggressive. Recognize where your spirit is lacking and nourish it. Don't make yourself available. Thus learning to read between the lines, the signs. Value yourself, don't compromise your integrity or waste your time or you could miss the real thing while you're being consumed by that trash.

   Oct 5, 2012 6:32 PM