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How to make not so common sense out of dating

So you have written a great profile, posted a nice picture, have read my tips on safety (twice!) and are about to meet your first blind date. Hold on to your hat because the fun is about to begin. You are probably a little nervous but also excited about the opportunity ahead of you. Yes, I do mean opportunity! Remember, even if the person you are about to meet is not the one of your dreams this is an opportunity to hone your dating skills. Dating, after all, is supposed to be FUN and this entry is about making sure it stays that way. I will teach you how to be on your game and put another person at ease. It’s actually simpler than you might think. If your job is to relax them you will be surprised at how much easier it is to feel at ease yourself.

Let’s start with basic hygiene.

Do not go to meet someone for the first time unless you have had the opportunity within three hours prior to bathe, apply deodorant, brush your teeth and comb your hair. Now this might seem obvious, and if it is to you, congratulations, but it wouldn’t be making it into this article if I hadn’t dated at least one person who didn’t get this memo. It is not acceptable to arrive immediately following your work out, drenched in sweat and smelling like B.O. because your date listed themselves as “athletic.” They may understand but they won’t be impressed. Yes, I am sure.
Wear something that is free of rips, stains, holes or obvious signs of wear unless you just dropped $250 at True Religion for it to look that way. It is a sign of disrespect to show up looking like a slob. It means you don’t respect either yourself or the person you are meeting. No I do not mean you have to go out and buy something expensive for your coffee date. I mean don’t wear the outfit you just gardened in. Above all do not wear white socks with dark shoes or vice versa; looks lame.
Have mints or gum handy and use them immediately prior to meeting your date. If you are a gum smacker go with the mints. Trust me here. Just a reminder - if you go with gum do not spit it out into cloth napkins it really upsets the wait staff.

Making an Entrance: Owning a room

Think about all of the best qualities about yourself before you arrive. I mean take the time to find at least five things about yourself that you really like and be thinking about the best one when you walk through the door. Sound crazy? Well have you ever seen a fairly average looking person walk into a room and still command attention? That person has confidence and that is attractive. You do not have to be the most conventionally beautiful person to attract other people. As hokey as it sounds beauty really does radiate from within and if you feel good about yourself other people will be drawn to you. Whoever you are meeting is about to meet a person YOU like - why wouldn’t they like you too?

The Introduction: putting another person at ease.

Smile! If you are one of those folks who hates their teeth and tries not to show them then at least smile with your eyes. Tell them you are happy to be there. Odds are they are nervous and hopeful and everyone wants to feel well received. You took the time to get ready, find your way there and put your best attitude on so . . .

Expect to like them!

Once you are settled ask how their day has been. I know you are nervous but LISTEN to the answers you are given. It is amazing how engaging it is to have someone be interested in what you are saying. It is also easy when you are nervous to be so concerned with what you are going to say next that you forget to listen to what the other person is saying. Everybody wants to be heard. That is why so many psychiatrists are driving nice cars. When you truly listen to what your date is saying you will find that your nerves disappear.

You have probably discussed over email at least one common interest (astrology springs to mind) so ask about that. Do they have kids? Pets? Interesting hobbies? The point here is that everyone’s favorite thing to talk about ( whether they admit it or not) is themselves. If there is mutual chemistry it will likely be a verbal tennis match of answers to questions. Generally a great sign on a first date. If there are a few uncomfortable pauses don’t panic. First dates can be awkward and successful dating takes a little practice. With any luck, right about the time you feel like you have had that dating practice the person you are looking for will arrive.

Keep it positive!

No matter how much stress you are under or what your current hardships are the first few dates are not the time to get them off your mind. Please don't launch into a tirade about how much you hate your boss or ex or go into your financial worries. You're job is to put yourself in a good light and put your date at ease. Neither of those things are accomplished by complaining during your date. Focus on the parts of your life that you do like. I know you have some if you have taken the time to think of five things you like about yourself!

Ending the Date: Next steps or lovely parting gifts?

So you have officially conquered the first hurdle and it went pretty well. How do you end the date? Well I wasn’t there so it’s going to depend on how you feel. Most of the time I feel a handshake is good on the first date. But truth be told I am not a hugger unless someone has wowed me in which case it’s entirely possible that it could happen. I’ll even admit that on rare occasion I have been so blown away that I kissed a man on the first date. Don’t think there is a hard and fast rule here other than make sure the other person consents to any physical contact. It feels respectful to me if a man asks ‘May I kiss you?” I can always smile and say “I would prefer to wait until I know you better”. In any case if you enjoyed meeting them SAY SO. It’s amazing how much analyzing people will do after a date and having heard the words “I really enjoyed meeting you” can make the difference in whether or not you have a second date.

So what have we learned here?

Make an effort--dress like you’re going on a date!
Bring your confidence! It’s sexy.
Be interested as well as interesting. Listen!
Be polite to the wait staff and tip well. Okay we didn’t cover that but I’m hoping to change the world one patron at a time.
and finally. . .
If you enjoyed yourself SAY SO!

Now get out there and have some fun!

Safety

HOW TO STAY SAFE IN THE WORLD OF INTERNET DATING!

If you watch the nightly news you might think stepping out your front door every day is practically putting your life on the line. As much as the media likes to repeatedly beat us over the head with horror stories, the truth is that it is important to protect yourself in the world of internet dating. Actually, it's important to protect yourself no matter how you've met the person you are planning a date with. So let's go over a few things that may stop your dating story from becoming a movie of the week for all the wrong reasons.

On A First Name Basis?

Do not use your full name as your username or include your last name to sign your emails. It's much too simple to get personal information on someone with just their name and city of residence.

It is a wonderful thing that the relative anonymity of email allows people to reveal more about their internal thought process than they normally would. Emailing feels safe, almost like journaling and I love that this truly does allow people to open up. I believe that sometimes you can actually get to know someone better in this venue than you can in person. People who are normally shy and reserved find themselve s able to express their thoughts freely. This is a fabulous thing. However, Don't set up a date after the first email. I have had some very interesting and fun email conversations with a potential date and then had him freak out on me for not responding quickly enough to his email or over something I said in jest. Shocking how many people are humor impaired. Nice to get the tip off before I have taken the time to meet them in person. I don't care how charming, witty, profound, insightful or inspired the first email is, you need more than that before you set up a date with someone. Remember Ted Bundy? Very charming guy. Who killed people - regularly. My personal system is to make sure we have exchanged at least three emails before I meet someone. I have saved myself a lot of time with this.

Temper Your Enthusiasm!

I encourage you to meet them and look them in the eye before anyone has anyone else's phone number. If you feel like you need to talk to them before the first meeting here's what to do. As a lady I like it when a man calls me. However this being a new day and age a phone number can be traced to a whole lot of information. Like your home address. Again with the Scary. In the near future we will have a secure call feature but between now and then here's a system that I find well works for me. We establish a time I will call them and I dial *67 before their phone number and it blocks my phone number from their caller ID. (Gentleman I realize this part is a bit skewed toward protecting women but since in most cases you have the advantage of being bigger I have to gear this a bit toward protecting them). In the event they do not answer the phone leave them a message asking them to email you another time to call. Do not leave your number for them to call you back. We tend to do that automatically without thinking - so be sure not to fall into habit here.

NOTE: If he does not answer or she does not call at the established time more than once then it's time to move along. You deserve to be treated respectfully and people who do not do what they say they are going to do are disrespecting you.

Does Everybody Know the Plan?

Tell someone who, when and where you are meeting your date. I like to be early and tell the wait staff that I am on a blind date. I have had more than one bar-tender get different guy's number and slip it to me when he could tell the date I was on was not going well but I digress. . .

Bring your cell phone. Make sure it's fully charged and do not forget it in your car (I have done that a few times).

Pick an easy to find, well lit, busy location to meet. I prefer to meet at a Starbucks or place with a nice bar for the first meeting. Though I encourage you to either limit your alcohol consumption or abstain entirely on the first couple of dates. Beer goggles are not your friend.

I have actually had a man ask me to meet him in the parking lot of the Palace of Fine Art in SF after hours in November. I laughed out loud at that suggestion and asked him if anyone had actually been dumb enough to do that before. They had!!! We ended up meeting at a nice restaurant in the Marina instead. What was his name again?

I had a client tell me one day that she was planning on meeting a man she met on the internet for the first time at Starbucks at 5:30 AM to then get in his car and drive to a small, scantly populated coastal town to go scuba diving. Isn't that the premise of a Stephen King novel? I tried really hard to explain the many reasons why this was an incredibly ill-thought plan but she wasn't hearing it. I almost called the local Catholic Church to see if they could send someone to administer last rights as a precautionary measure. Fortunately, she was fine but only because she was lucky - not because she was smart. The only smart thing she did was tell me the name of the guy and the location they had planned to meet. Would have helped the cops to track him down if necessary.

Do not give your full name, address or phone number to someone you haven't squared off with and checked for crazy eyes. * Note: crazy eyes can be illusive; they don't always pop out on the first date.

Excuse me but did anyone see where I put my boundaries?

Do not give someone you have just met or barely know, your stuff. Do not ask someone you have just met to give you their stuff. That simple. Seriously please have the good sense not to give money to a date who asks you for it. Period. Someone you have just met through this venue should never ask to borrow money, loan them your car, make a donation to their charity or invest in their new business. If they do they are either a con artist or exceptionally socially inept! In either case don't give them your stuff and do not go out with them again. Yes, it is that simple. No, they do not have "potential." If they have to ask you instead of a friend or family member they are not a good bet for a relationship.

Hey look I am still standing!

Do not get into the car of someone until you have been out with them at least three times unless you have met their friends and they are willing to sign an affidavit that they are not a serial killer. And, let's face it, serial killers are good with the lying so I'm gonna have to stick with my previous suggestion. I don't care if you have "looked into their soul," "connected on a deep spiritual level" or found them "insanely hot" it's just plain dumb to let yourself be so physically vulnerable. If said date or friends have prison tattoos take your own car no matter what they say or sign. Short timers generally don't get Tatt's. Just so you know.

Do not leave your drink alone with your date. There are too many stories in the news about drugs being slipped into drinks and bad things happening. We would like you to avoid being one of those previously mentioned news stories. Yes it is okay to bring your drink with you to the bathroom. Strange but true.

Print this InTheStars.com blog, cut out numbers 1-5 and put it in your wallet.

1. I'm sorry I didn't get your name---that's right and you won't until I know you much better. Don't use your full name as your username or to sign your emails.

2. Get to know someone a bit before you meet for the first time. At least two (preferably three) emails and sometimes a phone call before you schedule a face to face meeting.

3. Marco/Polo! Tell someone who and where you are meeting. If you don't have any friends leave a message on your own home answering machine. And then make a point of being nicer to people!

4. We don't like jerks anymore than you do! Report Abuse. We take member complaints seriously. Please report behavior such as inappropriate photos, abusive language or requests for money to AstrologyDating.com so that we can address the issue promptly. If we feel the need to remove a member due to inappropriate behavior we may notify you that we have done so and encourage you to discontinue communication.

5. Breath mints-check, Cell phone-check, Common sense-check! Provide your own transportation and cash. Finish your drink or take it with you. Do not leave it alone with someone you do not know well. Let the waitstaff know you are on a blind date. They will have your back. Bring your cell phone. (I highly recommend the iPhone. Seriously if I could find a man who made me as happy as my iPhone I would be married. But I digress. . . ). Just make sure you have one that is fully charged and in your possession.

Okay now get out there and get dating!

Cheers!

~Hilary

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How do I change my password?

Go to your home page and click on the preferences button there will be a link there.

How do I write a great profile?

This is a question I am asked regularly. The answer is :

Be yourself!

Unless yourself is morose and depressed and then save that until you get to know someone a little better. Be upbeat and positive. If ever there was a time to have an " attitude of gratitude" this is it! Think about the things you like about yourself and mention them. Are you a hard worker who takes pride in their accomplishments? Do you have beautiful healthy kids? Do you love to read? What kind of books? Are you an avid cyclist or tennis player? Proud of the wonderful tomatoes or roses you grew this year? Have family members that you love to spend time with? You want to get across the idea that you are a person who likes yourself. Which doesn't mean you should brag about how great you are but you CAN write about the wonderful things in your life because appreciating what we have always brings us more things to appreciate.

Ask for what you want.

If you are looking for someone who loves to go camping, or likes to go shopping - put it in there. If you have every intention of spending a year living in the Australian outback and want someone who wants to go with you - put it in there. Do you love when your partner cooks for you? Do you want someone to take a ballroom class with you or learn to scuba dive with? Do you want someone who shares your faith or is willing to volunteer at the local soup kitchen? Put it in there! Half of getting what we want in this world is identifying what it is. The other half is working toward getting it. By asking you are beginning the work.

Tell the truth about your height and body type.

I have been on lots of dates with men who said they were 5'9" who apparently meant they were going to be that tall when they grew up. I actually truly don't care how tall a man is but I do NOTICE when I meet him if he has fibbed. Starts things off wrong if I am expecting one thing and get another. I like men who are either athletic or have a few ( a few means less than 20) extra pounds on them. I am not deep enough to wiggle on that. Most people aren't and most people know it. (If you are - awesome! Teach a class on how to be deep and I will attend). There are plenty of people who are and love to date heavy set or skinnier people and being honest about who you are will help to avoid the hurt feelings that are likely to occur if that kind of surprise happens. Sorry if that sounds harsh but its real. Please be sure the picture you post is an accurate representation of what you look like now. If it is more than two years old or you were 10lbs different than your current weight have a new picture taken. This will save you from having your feelings hurt later.

Be honest about your marital status.

Really. If you are married at least respect your matches enough to admit that up front. Otherwise you are likely to hurt someone and that karma will bite you in the butt. Many people have very strong feelings about adultery and it is not fair to drag someone into that scenario without their permission. Personally I will not even date someone who I know has a girlfriend. I like me a lot and really do not like to share a man. I believe the only thing you know for sure you are getting if you sleep with someone else's spouse is a cheat. Yes, I do know I am very judgmental on this subject.

Admit it if you drink frequently, smoke cigarettes or do drugs.

People figure that kind of thing out pretty quickly and if you do those things you probably want to be with someone else who does. I do know people who only smoke when they drink or if they are out on the town. Generally the only person who wants to kiss a frequent smoker is another smoker. So if you are thinking about quitting go for but until you do fess up.

Talk about the things you enjoy.

Passionate about caterpillars? Put it in there. You would be surprised at how many people find bugs super interesting. My sister does and she is delightfully weird. Do you love to play golf? Rescue seals? Water ski? Go to Star Trek conventions? Doesn't matter what it is if it is something that you truly care about. People who are passionate about things are attractive. However be sure not to say you love to do things that you don't. Otherwise you may end up kayaking down a class five river really wishing you had learned to swim.

Why was my picture removed?

At astrologydating.com we are committed to keeping thing clean. We reserve the right to remove any photos or profiles we deem inappropriate.

How do I order a another kind of chart?

Please visit our store and choose from the many options we have available.

What signs am I compatible with?

A lot of science goes into calculating the right matches for your particular sign. We have an in depth matching system that bases your match on everything from your sun sign,rising sign and planetary positions to your current zip code but if you are looking for a simple system based on your sun sign here you go. Please recognize that depending on how your planets are aspected you may find that others will suit your fancy as well!

Aries is often compatible with Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius and their opposite Libra
Taurus if often compatible with Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Virgo and their opposite Scorpio
Gemini is often compatible with Aries,Leo ,Libra, Aquarius and their opposite Sagittarius
Cancer is often compatible with Scorpio, Taurus, Virgo, Pisces and their opposite Capricorn
Leo is often compatible with Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and their opposite Aquarius
Virgo is often compatible with Taurus , Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn and their opposite Pisces
Libra is often compatible with Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius and their opposite Aries
Scorpio is often compatible with Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces and their opposite Taurus
Sagittarius is often compatible with Leo, Aquarius, Aries and their opposite Gemini
Capricorn is often compatible with Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio Pisces and their opposite Cancer
Aquarius is often compatible with Aries, Libra, Gemini, Sagittarius and their opposite Leo
Pisces is often compatible with Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn and their opposite Virgo

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